Welcome! We’re excited to have you aboard this United Airlines flight and we appreciate your attention as we demonstrate the safety features of this aircraft.
FAA regulations require you to follow the instructions of our crew members as well as those of the heavily armed paramilitary team in the back of the aircraft. You must also comply with all posted and lighted signs.
It’s important to have your seatbelt on at all times. To fasten your seatbelt, push the metal piece into the buckle and pull on the slack to tighten. As you fasten your seatbelt, please scream the following words: I AM AT THE MERCY OF THE ALMIGHTY UNITED AIRLINES. FOR AS LONG AS I AM ON THIS PLANE, UNITED IS MY GOD. LEGGINGS ARE GROSS.
In case of unexpected turbulence, please keep your seatbelt fastened even when the sign is off. Should a member of our flight crew unfasten your seatbelt and begin to choke you with it in front of your son, do not resist. Accept that this is all part of the flying experience, for which you paid between $100 and $550.
Should a member of our flight crew unfasten your seatbelt and begin to choke you with it in front of your son, do not resist.
Please take a moment to look around and familiarize yourself with the aircraft. Find your nearest exit and remember that it may be behind you. Look at the exit for a long time. Think about what that door means — think about how easy it would be for us to open that bad boy up and toss you right out of this plane whenever we want. Make eye contact with one of the mercenaries in riot gear we have onboard to keep you in line. Do not smile at him. Just look. That is who will throw you out of the plane.
In the event of a water landing, crew members will choose who lives and dies based on how much we like your outfit. Today we are feeling cardigans. Anyone wearing cargo shorts will be tasered on sight.
If you are seated in an exit row, you have made a grave mistake. You now work for us and you will live on this plane. Go to the front of the plane and swear your oath to obey and enforce plane law.
If necessary due to a change in cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from the panel above your seat. Place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally. Some of the masks are filled with a nerve agent that will turn you into what we like to call “plane beasts” — hulking, violent monsters who live in the cargo bay and follow only the orders of our captain. Remember to fix your own mask before helping others.
Should you need it, you’ll find a life vest under your seat. To use, place the vest over your head and pull on the red tabs. A contract will appear on your screen. Sign this contract. In short, it gives us your house. We can make your house a runway now. In fact, we already have.
Make sure you’ve switched all electronic devices to airplane mode. If you don’t, we will make you eat the device. I made a guy eat a laptop earlier today. It was gross.
We’ll be taking off soon. Sit up straight and shut your mouth. Stop crying. Good.
From all of us here at United, we just want to say we don’t care about you at all and we think you look stupid in that outfit.
Oh, also, you can vape on here. We don’t care.