Do you think your boss is an overbearing nightmare? You haven’t seen anything.
A job listing for a personal assistant in San Francisco is getting tossed around on the internet. Not because it’s a great opportunity, but because the listing is so ridiculous and specific, we pity whoever has the pleasure of calling these people their boss.
On its face, the posting sounds great. A couple in their 40s living in the SOMA neighborhood of San Francisco are looking for a personal assistant to help them with their busy lives and their dog.
“Work is crazier than ever which means that we don’t have time to maintain our personal lives. We’ve finally accepted that we need a full-time (or part-time) personal assistant,” the post reads.
The “problem” section of the post where the couple describes their issues is relatively normal, but again, very specific.
But when the couple starts describing their ideal candidate, things get real weird.
Here’s the unedited and massive paragraph labeled “THE SOLUTION.”
You aren’t dramatic or tightly wound, however, you’re also not lazy or sloth-like (nothing against sloths). You’re level-headed and your friends think you have great judgment. You’re down to earth, not cocky, humble, and always willing to admit when you’re wrong. You aren’t too stubborn to apologize. You don’t get defensive and deflect. You own your mistakes and see them as opportunities to improve. You have confidence in yourself and although you are very empathetic, you rarely get overwhelmed by your emotions. You aren’t dramatic and you aren’t having regular melt-downs. You’re warm, welcoming, and always down for a good time. You take pride in your work quality (no matter what it is — big or small) and believe everything you create is a reflection of you and your character/abilities so you want it to be good. You notice inefficiencies and tend to find ways to save time, streamline, or automate where you can. You’re observant and detail-oriented. You always know where your keys are or where your wallet is because you make it a point to place them in the same place. You have a great memory and rarely have to say “Oh, I forgot.” You believe that there’s a place for everything and everything should be in its place. You’re naturally organized and clean. You don’t like messiness. You feel compelled to straighten items if they’re crooked. Aesthetics, design, and beauty in life are things that you notice and appreciate. It genuinely makes you happy to help others and make others smile. You find it rewarding to do things for others. (If you don’t feel this way, you will either hate this role or it will be awkward for us because you won’t seem happy.) Your friends think that you’re the one in your group who has their act together the most in terms of being responsible, responsive, and risk-averse. You take pride in working smart vs. working hard. You do things well AND you do it as quickly as possible. You consistently strive for both quality and speed. You like to laugh and your friends think you can be funny. You smile and/or laugh when you tell a joke or say something humorous (dry senses of humor need not apply)! You care about visual presentation and delivery of your words. You enjoy making things look nice. You enjoy making things smell nice. You have a kind heart and try to not be selfish. You are generous with your attention and love. You are a strong communicator and can tell an engaging story. If something needs to get done, you find a way. You’re very comfortable with technology and devices. You use your smartphone all the time. You use your laptop all the time. Google is your best friend. You take pride in how you look — whatever that “look” or style may be for you. At the same time, you also want to be practical and functional (e.g., you’re “bohemian chic” but avoid the giant wedges that will prevent you from hustling around town, you’re “cool hipster” but don’t wear the super tight jeans that won’t leave you room in your pockets to hold my dog’s potty bags, you’re totally “minimalistic modern” but avoid the white on white look so you’re not afraid to get dirty when cooking, etc.)
While the whole thing is just weird, we’ve gotta note that it gets super strange at the end when the couple starts describing the candidate’s ideal style immediately after giving them the freedom to choose their own.
“You’re ‘bohemian chic’ but avoid the giant wedges that will prevent you from hustling around town, you’re ‘cool hipster’ but don’t wear the super tight jeans that won’t leave you room in your pockets to hold my dog’s potty bags, you’re totally “minimalistic modern” but avoid the white on white look so you’re not afraid to get dirty when cooking, etc.”
The ad continues, with an extremely detailed hourly schedule, which includes time for when you should clean up dog poop.
The requirements section is even better, where the listing specifies you’re only allowed to have a maximum of five drinks per week, you’re “able to swim well in the ocean,” and “able to protect a dog from being attacked by another dog.”
Oh and you better like dog puke and diarrhea.
“Willing and happy to clean up occasional dog vomit and/or diarrhea.”
If the whole thing wasn’t ridiculous enough, bonus points for anyone who has “experience with long hair in general (you have long hair and know how to brush tangled hair without causing pain)” and for anyone who watches Game of Thrones and/or Silicon Valley.
Remember, this is for a personal assistant job.
The listing also has some rules to apply:
1. Submit an email with the subject line: “[INSERT YOUR FULL NAME] + [INSERT YOUR WORST QUALITY].” We’re confirming that you read the job description thoroughly, as well as breaking the ice by seeing if you’re aware of how you’re not perfect :p No one is so feel free to be candid 🙂 If you don’t follow that formula for the subject line, your email won’t be opened.
2. With your computer webcam or handheld smartphone, record and attach a 3-5 min video of you answering ALL of the following: What did you like about this posting? Confirm if this posting applies to you 100% (including personality description, qualifications, schedule, responsibilities, etc.). Tell us in what way(s) you’re not ideal for us (be transparent, no one is perfect and that’s okay, bonus points for honesty). Have you been a personal assistant before? For who? What was a typical day? Why can you be trusted to care for a dog? Can you cook us delicious food? What else should we know about you?
3. In your email response, include these 4 social media profiles if you have them (LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram) so we can confirm your identity. Also, tell us where you live, how long would it take you to get to SoMa? Do you have a car? If so, what make, model and condition?
Thankfully, dealing with these employers pays pretty well, at $25 to $30 an hour, but dealing with these lists of demands just doesn’t seem worth it.
We should note here that this is Craigslist, a site where anyone can post anything. This can easily be a joke, or possibly someone making fun of another job listing.