Ever since Iron Man reminded us that Robert Downey Jr is handsome enough to pull off that beard and playboy smarm and still be fine, audiences have been thirsty for superheroes. (I hear there were occasionally some comic book movies made before 2009, too?)
And with the absolute flood of Marvel Cinematic Universe announcements at San Diego Comic-Con over the weekend, there’s a list of new stars for the stans to obsess over for the next few years.
From familiar faces returning unexpectedly (hello to a Mjolnir-wielding Natalie Portman) and potential pairings with established characters (i.e. shipping Tessa Thompson’s Valkyrie with everyone) to confirmed rumours (The Handmaid’s Tale snack O-T Fagbenle and David Harbour bringing your favourite TV DILF energies to Black Widow) and surprise big names joining the MCU (MA-HER-SHA-LA, SAY IT WITH ME), there’s someone for everyone to thirst after.
And the internet had wasted no time in lovingly, respectfully, objectifying them.
if Natalie Portman gets jacked for the role of Thor I might die of gay and it’s exactly how I want to go
— zoë “hoobadank” quinn @ SDCC (@UnburntWitch) July 21, 2019
Natalie Portman I am begging you please use Mjolnir to hammer my body into a puddle of batter before striking me with lightning over and over until I am a perfectly golden fluffy pancake then cover me in syrup and eat me for sustenance pic.twitter.com/OMjfZOUOAt
— Sweatpants Cher 🔶 (@House_Feminist) July 21, 2019
Natalie Portman gonna get ripped to play Mighty Thor? Cuz I don’t think my poor, weak mortal heart can handle that. In a film that already is going to feature Tessa Thompson doing suggestive things with weaponry and occasional flexing? pic.twitter.com/o7OGn4IdpU
— Jackalope (@_Jackalope_) July 21, 2019
Rachel Weisz and Natalie Portman in the new Avengers movies? Looks like I need to take my pants off and start getting into the Marvel World.
possible to reach millions worldwide
Google News, Bing News, Yahoo News, 200+ publications
I already saw Thor. Obviously.
— Spaghephanie (@YesMissMurphy) July 22, 2019
Standout newcomer Simu Liu may well have snagged his role as Shang-Chi by @-ing Marvel on Twitter and constantly being shirtless on Kim’s Convenience…
But even as he fronted the Marvel crowds in Hall H, he also respected the proud tradition of thirsting after MCU stars.
I have stared into Tom Hiddleston’s eyes and forgotten how to form sounds with my mouth.
— Simu Liu (@SimuLiu) July 21, 2019
Meanwhile, his press appearances for Stuber showed us that Kumail Nanjiani was already on his Marvel training regime…
…but at the official announcement for The Eternals, people NOTICED.
THE ETERNALS cast is amazing for various reasons: a) angelina jolie about to kick ass in a franchise again??? b) DON LEE best dude from train to busan c) kumail is already ripped af for the role
— fatima (@biglittlesilly) July 21, 2019
And of course, the first announced film of Phase 5, a new version of Blade, had fans, well, fanning themselves at the thought of Mahershala Ali stalking around wearing what will probably be a fair amount of leather.
Some fans are even further ahead of the game, though. Looking into their crystal balls to the Online Thirst Discourse of 2020, they foresee a chilling future where the internet’s long-appreciated boyfriends and wives are finding a whole new fanbase who are only just catching up with Marvel’s help — including revealed Eternals star Richard Madden.
Alright, let’s drink a glass of water. This was a lot.